past week

this past week has been overwhelming..tiring..and emotional.. let's start off with monday.. monday night to be specific. i was doing my woolsey essays.. when all of a sudden my dad comes into my room.. "sarah, i have some bad news....the baby died" when i heard him say that.. a rush of unbelief filled my body. i couldn't believe that she was gone.. she was born on New Years Eve.. and died on January 5. five days of life.. i couldn't believe that this could ever happen... i mean if someone died...they were always older or like have been sick for a while.. but Jaydn...5 days old... how could God let this happen...she wasn't even given a chance...once i heard the news i cried.. i called my mom.. and starting crying more... she said"maybe it was for the best.. cus if she lived she would've gone through so much pain" i couldn't believe it.. i called my bestfriend and boyfriend. cried even more. my brother came into my room.. hugged me.. and i asked him.. why her? why.. and he didnt have an answer.. it's not fair how bad things can happen to good people.. my ninang and her husband deserved this baby.. and to have her taken away... is so hard.. i really wished i could've met her.. then later that night lambert came over and comforted me.. it was really nice to have him there and to be my shoulder to cry on. that night.. i held on to a rosary... but i found it hard to pray.. cus part of me hated the fact that God took him away from us.. it sucked cus the next day i had to loook forward to a retreat. and i was in no shape to go cus i just wanted to be with my family.. but i figured that maybe this is the time to get away and to reflect on my life. so went to school the next morning.. regular day. then after school left for Lake Hughes. I'm not going to go in like every detail.. but it was okay. the bus ride there was scary cus the driver was going so fast in a winding road up a mountain. room 4 was full of girls.. listening through the walls.. never have i ever....playing games like titanic and the rope games and indiana.. talking... people being hella gasy. haha. it was nice to spend time with the girls.. then when we got into our groups... it was with people i was never close with.. however it was nice cus at the end we ended up being closer which was preety cool. in my reaction speech... it was so emotional.. i can't even comprehend how much i let out and opened up. I prayed so hard for the baby and just everything that's been going on in my life.. it was nice to be away from everyone and just get to spend some one on one time with God. Then after we knew it.. the retreat was over.. and it was back to our hectic lives.. the bus ride home was pretty sickening.. ahhh that was eww until we got on the freeway. then got back to school.. went to the chapel and said our goodbyes. called my dad.. and he picked me up.. the ride home was pretty depressing.. he filled me in on where my family is after the death.. and told me about how my cousins are taking it and he told me about how my brother took the news in japan. =/the feeling of unbelief filled me again.. i couldn't understand why these bad things had to happen.. but after the retreat i realized what i realized at AE.. to not turn away from God.. especially during the dark times. so right now.. i need to pray and just be a strong support system for my family. It's going to be hard but that's all i can do.. just pray and comfort. i miss her already.. even if i never got a chance to meet her.. i love you jaydn ann kubota.. you're a guardian angel in heaven. tell grandpa we love him....